I hated school, but I loved learning

Hi kid. Do you hate school?

I hated it, too, and what really sucked was that grownups continually told me these two things:

1) You have to go to school.

2) There's something wrong with you if you don't like it.

The first thing they told me might have been true. It is true that going to school opens up some doors in life. And I didn't start this blog to talk kids into dropping out. I didn't drop out: I went to nursery school (one in England and one in Indiana), then elementary school (one in Indiana and one in Maryland), then middle school (Indiana and California), then high school (Indiana) and finally college (Indiana, Florida and Ohio). I then spent twenty years teaching for a living.

I'm also not here to tell you that you're weird if you like school. There are lots of good reasons to like school: maybe you go to a really good school, where the teachers care about you and the students aren't bullies or snobs; maybe you just happen to love the subjects they're teaching you -- or maybe your school lets you learn whatever subjects interest you; maybe you're more interested in socializing than academics, and you love school because it allows you to hang out with your friends all day. If any of those things are true for you, I'm happy for you. Enjoy.

They weren't true for me. My teachers didn't care for me. As an adult, I have a tiny bit of sympathy for them. I now understand that they barely made a living wage and that most of them had failed at other pursuits before becoming teachers. They were impoverished and depressed. They also had to work for school system that didn't support them financially or emotionally. Teaching was just a job to them -- and a bad job at that. Whatever. For me, the bottom line is that at best they ignored me and at worst they abused me. (Making a kid do mindless busy work is a form of abuse.)

When I was a kid, my favorite thing to do was to learn. I carried books everywhere I went. I carried so many books in my backpack that I grew up to have a permanent stoop. When I wasn't reading, I was talking to my friends about ideas: philosophy, science, art, history... What I didn't do was read the things I was supposed to read or study what I was supposed to study. Teachers would catch me reading "Godel, Escher, Bach" instead of "Social Studies 101" and they'd tried me like a deviant!

Now, I totally understand why they told me to put my book away and read what I was supposed to read. I don't blame them for that. But why wasn't there even one grownup who said, "I'm glad to see you're reading on your own?" Why wasn't there even one grownup who tried to reach me by talking to me about what interested me? As far as my teachers were concerned, all activities were equally bad if they weren't class assignments. When they caught me secretly reading Shakespeare they were just as upset as when they caught me secretly reading comic books. (And there were many comics books that were much better -- more more educational -- than the drivel they made me read.)

I had a particularly hard time with Math. But I wound up reading a couple of books that helped me see how Math could be exciting and magical. I tried to talk to my Math teacher, Mrs. Wilsey, about these books. You know what she said? "Quit bothering me and get out of here." I guess I was disturbing her break. She just wanted to get to the teachers' lounge and smoke! Too bad, because her scorn turned me off Math for twenty years. (I now like Math, but I couldn't stand it until the bad taste of school was out of my mouth. Then I had to slowly grope my way back to Math on my own terms.)

Socially, I was a geek before that was fashionable. I wasn't a loner with no friends. I had great friends -- some of whom I'm still friends with all these years later. But school wasn't where we wanted to be. At school, we were bullied and teased by the more popular kids. What amazes me (in retrospect) is that the teachers knew this. They knew that jocks and jerks were picking on us. Yet they did nothing. In one or two cases, they encouraged the hazing and bullying. Generally, they just seemed to take a Darwinian approach: "Yup. Some kids get bullied. Well, that's the law of the jungle."

So I hated school, and I hope you can understand why. Had grownups just told me that, like it or not, I had to go, I would have understood. I understood that you often have to do things you don't like to do. But the grownups didn't stop there: they also told me that school was great! That school was good for me and fun! That all healthy kids like school!

When I was in sixth grade, I had some sort of break down. I hated going to school so much that I began throwing up every morning. My parents took me to the doctor. He suggested that they take me to a psychiatrist, which was probably a good idea. But he didn't want me to go to a shrink just because I was stressed. No! He wanted me to go because, "it's normal for kids to like school."

Well, at the age of 43, I feel comfortable admitting how much I hated it. And I feel comfortable reaching back into the past and grabbing all those grownups in by the shoulders. I give them vigorous shakes and say, "Shame on you! I was a good-natured, smart kid. Why did you make be feel like a freak?"

Most of all, I want to talk to you, kid. You're the kid who is like me. You're smart and maybe a bit different from the more popular kids. I want to tell you that there are grownups out there who understand what you're going through. I understand. I've been there.

You are not bad if you hate school (or if you like it). You are not bad if you pursue your own interests. Chasing the tail of your passions is a good thing. It's one of the best reasons to live. The subjects they "teach" you in school aren't the only important subjects. They way kids act in school is not the way all your peers will act throughout your life.

I don't know what else I can do for you, other than tell you to hang in there. School ends. Life gets better. But if I can think of any other way to help, I will post it here.